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  • Catching Up With The Diva Andrea Simakis

    [caption id="attachment_4269" align="alignleft" width="96" caption="Plain Dealer Reporter Andrea Simakis "]Simakis[/caption]

    Get the latest inside gossip with The Diva Andrea Simakis, in her article Pop Diva: Deluge of celebrity-branded junk is all Jessica Simpson's fault from The Plain Dealer.

    I blame Jessica Simpson.

    While perusing a sale rack at Von Maur in Columbus, your roving correspondent was hit in the head by a shoe. (No, an admirer trying to get her attention didn't throw it.)

    Following a video review of the event by security, it was determined that the black open-toed stiletto -- drag queen size 11 -- had succumbed to gravity after being precariously balanced on a shelf by a careless shopper. Luckily, the Diva's mane of lush, bouncing curls deflected the blow, but her blood pressure spiked once she noted the brand: Paris Hilton.

    Even though the shoe said Paris, Jessica is the guilty party.

    The toothsome Texan known for slipping into Daisy Duke's daisy dukes, bad skin (thanks to her stint as a pitchwoman for Proactiv) and a worse marriage to Nick Lachey has taken what should have been a career with the life expectancy of a tsetse fly and parlayed it into a net worth of $100 million.

    Though she started her pop life as a singer, her last album was "Happy Christmas" in 2010, a collection of Auto-Tuned holiday covers. Her true claim to fame, aside from announcing that she thought Buffalo wings came from bison, is her beauty-and-accessories empire.

    This complex web of products ranges from trendy high heels and handbags to Jessica Simpson Dessert by Jessica Simpson (an edible cosmetics line marketed to teens), clip-in bangs and other hair extensions, and a fragrance line with her debut scent known as Jessica's Fancy. (Watch for Simpson to branch out into the medical field, affixing her name to artificial limbs and synthetic organs.)

    The Diva, guided by the principle that only real designers deserve her hard-earned coin, has never purchased anything "by" Jessica Simpson or Paris or fallen into the trap of buying stealth labels like L.A.M.B. by Gwen Stefani or House of Harlot -- oops! A Freudian typo! -- Harlow 1960, by Nicole Richie.

    But thanks to Simpson's success as a purveyor of cheap, flash-in-the-pan fashion, avoiding celebrands is becoming as hard as sitting through an entire episode of TLC's "Sister Wives" without experiencing the gag reflex.

    To wit: In September alone, the Jennifer Lopez Collection and a line by her soon-to-be-ex-husband Marc Anthony have moved in together at Kohl's, begging the question of whether clothes can be subject to a restraining order. Sofia Vergara of "Modern Family" took up residence in Kmart. And Khloe, Kim and Kourtney debuted the Kardashian Kollection at Sears.

    In a moment of lively theater, the girls appeared at an L.A. store to unveil their wares, likely the last time they will step their 4-inch nude stilettos into the low-end retail giant that also offers tires while-u-wait.

    Taking a page from first lady Michelle Obama, who throws on a baseball cap to haunt Target, the Diva gritted her teeth, slipped on some white tennis shoes and pajama jeans, and hit the aforementioned discount stores to check out the merch.

    Upon entering a local Kmart, the Diva had to machete through a jungle of other celebrity junk to find her way to Sofia by Sofia Vergara. Said junk included kitchen accouterments by Gordon Ramsay (because food tastes better when prepared in the "Hell's Kitchen" host's pots and pans!), a junior line called Dream Out Loud from Justin Bieber squeeze Selena Gomez (because a girl who canoodles with Bieber must know how to dress to impress!) and Jaclyn Smith's "hecho en Indonesia, China and Vietnam" polyester nightmares.

    (Note to women of a certain age: You really wanna drape yourself in tribal prints that approximate the texture of a shower curtain? It's true that "money can't buy style," as Sofia's slogan goes, but it can buy natural fabrics.)

    Read more Andrea Simakis at The Plain Dealer

    Filed under: Entertainment, Forest Hill News & Events
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